I faked an abortion last night.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
