I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
