I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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