Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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