20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
