Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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