i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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