he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
