im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
