Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
