I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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