i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
i believe in u and ur pee
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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