You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
dude. I can hear the air.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
