Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize