I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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