apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
