awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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