What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
