I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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