no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I feel like a drive thru vagina
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
