So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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