my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
