you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
