I didn't shave. On purpose
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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