I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize