he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
