Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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