i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
