you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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