Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize