Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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