My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You ruined the universe
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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