he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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