hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
