Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
