No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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