I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
