honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
