checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
