When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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