I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
