I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
