dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You pole danced in your parka.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
