While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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