Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
