It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
