I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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