well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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