Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
