I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
