They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
