I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Less talking, more tequila
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
