At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
