we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
