I'm gonna have a badass scar
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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