I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
