My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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