Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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