alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
