That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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